What Do women Want In A Man 2

Okay, we will continue as promised, from where we left off. But perhaps I should add a little disclaimer? My views in this post are not necessarily a reflection of my own or anyone else’s marriage. I may use real life examples but will indicate when I do. It is not an indictment or endorsement of anyone. If anyone feels hurt by this, please ask yourself if there might be a shoe pinching you somewhere; I will never intentionally hurt or harm anyone by what I write. I will not aim to please you either! I am a Christian and most things I write are guided and guarded by my Christian beliefs, but this is not a sermon. And last but not the least, it is not the view or opinion of the Ministry where I serve as a marriage counselor. These are my views based on observations and reflections over the years. And hey!, this is meant to be fun and lighthearted (though never a lie!) Phew!

We were talking about TDH;nsome of us back in secondary school swore we would never marry a short man no matter how rich he was! He had to be so tall that those of us who were very close to the ground would almost require ladders to grab a kiss! some of us did get TDH in later life but that’s not what a woman needs.

2. Adnan Kashogi- Please forgive me for my archaic terminologies but I grew up in a different time. We referred to the rich guys as Kashogi (not quite sure of the spelling and do not want to wake google up). Anyway, in addition to TDH, we wanted the guy to be extremely rich! So rich that he could buy us the moon if we wanted or take us to Hawaii for breakfast, London for lunch and of course nighttime had to be in Paris! But now I know, that’s not what a woman needs.

3. A tireless sex machine- The men might be surprised that women fantasize about such things but, oh well, that is definitely not what a woman needs.

4. A Romantic- the type who buys flowers, remembers every birthday, buys jewelry three times everyday (he is Kashogi remember?) and sings like Barry White.  The man who wakes you up in the morning with a kiss and says things, “I will give you the moon if you’ll only let me carry you to the bathroom and scrub your back”. “I gave you my heart and soul the day I met you, and now I need your permission to live”! Nah, that’s not what a woman needs. No, not all!

5. Love-Huh? should this be on this list? isn’t love the real deal? Have I lost my pebbles? Please hold on before you hiss and call the psychiatrist or my Pastor. Love? what is love? Is this what a woman needs in a man? Which type of  love? Let’s leave on the list of things a woman does not need in a man and go on to what she does need!

WHAT A WOMAN NEEDS IN A MAN

1. Leadership

2.Leadership

3.Leadership.

4. Leadership

5. Leadership

I know that is not what you expect but this is what I have observed and this is what we are going to discuss and examine. I know some people will hiss and throw virtual stones at me but that’s alright too. All I ask is, wait till the end of this story!

I’ll be back soon…

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What Do Women Want In a Man?

This topic arose out a discussion we had on one of our Blackberry groups recently. What does a woman want/need in a man? What is that one quality that he needs to develop in order to attract and keep the woman of his dreams? Why do some marriages seem like Heaven on Earth and others appear to be “mini hell-fires?”

I will not claim to be an expert on these questions and I hope that you, my dear reader will add your views to educate us. I have been married for a good number of years. I have also been priviledged to watch married people closely. in addition I have received and still receiving world class training as a marriage counsellor. None of these qualify me as an expert; but it does mean that I watch couples and marriages and I listen to women talk, and men too!

So what does a woman need? I will use need rather than want and sometimes interchangeably. Our wants differ with different circumstances but our needs are usually more or less constant. let me start by stating what a woman does not need.

TDH- Tall, Dark and Handsome. I grew up in the Mills and Boon generation of TDH. We thought that if a man was tall, dark and handsome then all was well with our World…to be continued tomorrw 

The defiled generation: A lesson from Ezra

The book of Ezra chapter 2 verses 61- 63- a most pathetic story. An account of people who came back home from captivity, with everyone listed and numbered until it gets to the turn of the sons Habaiah, Koz, and Barzillai. Suddenly there’s a pause. I can imagine the official who was checking through the scrolls, asking them over and over to repeat their names. In my society of today, they would ask them to spell their names while those on the queue would be pushing and jostling impatiently. The men would be asked if they’d forgotten their own names; someone would very likely shout that they should move out of the way for others. Alas! It was a fruitless search. Their names were not in the listing; they had not been registered by genealogy like the rest and so there was no record of their membership of the priesthood. They could not access that which rightfully belonged to them. Why? because they had “sold” their birthright- well in a sense. They had intermarried with foreign women and taken their mothers’ names. They had despised their lineage, probably at a time when it seemed like the name was of no use to them. At a time when it was more profitable to be identified with the foreigners than with their own people. They didn’t reckon that their own name would one one day amount to anything worth having and so they sacrificed the long term for the immediate. They gave up eternity for convenience.
Sad as this story makes me, I can’t help but reflect on what happens today in our society. We have succeeded in raising a generation of people without a sense of history; a sense of genealogy, a sense of pride in the family heritage. Everyone today wants to “belong”. We have people in their twenties and thirties, old enough to be “priests” but with no sense of history. Some of them have never as much as set foot in their villages and hometowns. Others have only been a few times for funerals and a few celebrations. They do not speak their languages and have so melded with the city people that it has become close to impossible to differentiate between the man from Ogun state and the one from Taraba state (I use these states as examples only).
In several cases, the mothers have been largely to blame as they frequently disparage the husband’s ancestry and raise the kids to identify with the “city people”. It makes me wonder what would happen if we all had to go back to our homes to partake in the “holy things” of our different ancestry. Would we and/our children be missing from the books? Would our children be described as defiled and unfit to participate in that which is rightfully theirs?

Everyone has a need

I’ve been reflecting on the stories of two women in the old testament of the Holy Bible. The stories appear in the 4th chapter 2 Kings. They both detail encounters with the Prophet Elisha (the man with the double double annointing)
In the first story, there was a widow in great distress. She was in debt and in danger of losing her sons to the creditors. She ran to the Prophet in desperation. She had no options, she had no airs, no pride. Nothing. She saw no way out. She didn’t know what to do but she refused to accept her situation as final. She had a need and she went for help.
The second story is different. She was rich and had no lack. She went to the Prophet, not to seek help, but to offer it. When pressed, she responded that she had no need of anyone’s assistance. She was self-assured and at peace with herself. She had accepted her circumstances and no longer considered it a need.
It took the watchful eyes of the Prophet’s servant for her need to be identified. Interestingly, both women had their needs met by the same means- a word from the prophet.
The first woman had her need in front of her and she actively tried to solve it; the second had her need buried so deep she no longer saw it as such.
What is your need today? Buried deep or surface level, every need can be met. Rich or poor, we all have needs. Some obvious, others hidden. Whatever your need(s), be assured the solution is not so far away. Whether you go seeking for help or you go seeking to help, may your need be met speedily!

Time to move forward

” To everything there is a season and a time to every purpose under heaven” Ecclesiastes 3:1

Life is a collection of changes; some big, some small. We all change. In our bodies, careers, beliefs, whatever. We change. Some of these changes are so insignificant, we don’t notice them happening. For instance, at some point in my life I had 32 strong and healthy teeth and I enjoyed chocolates and ice cream. Changes were going on in my mouth and I didn’t notice until pain woke me up and bam! Three teeth gone in one week and now I manage toothache. Chocolates are no longer as attractive as carrots and ice cream is a truly avoidable luxury! 

Some of the changes do not cause pain as above; some are quite exciting and life-changing like the changes I have been making in the past few years. Writing, writing and writing even more. Now I’m moving further and making more changes and what better place to announce what’s next?

It’s that season again; more books, for your kids, for you, for a friend. The plan was to make this an annual event but as we always say, Life happens, and this is for now. This is the time, the season for this purpose, under this heaven. Several books, same author, same day, same season, same grace. Bigger fears, even bigger courage, for you see, courage is not the absence of fear but the ability to move on in spite of your fears. And so I can say, I am moving on in excitement, taking my fear and using it as a springboard for the next big leap.

It’s time to move forward. Join me will you? Change something, cooperate with change, use change, advance, progress, overcome. Big, small, fearful or not, failure or not. Move anyway, anyhow. I did, I am doing, so can you!

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OROJITOMAYIDIOGBA

WHEN I was in primary school in Warri, my best friend was a very beautiful girl named Agnes. Her second name was Orojitomayidiogba, meaning, you’re only a champion or a strongman until you hit adversity, or put another way, the one that has not been hit by unpleasant situations or circumstances is the strongman. A lot of African names have very deep meanings and my friend’s name was as deep as they come. We all called her ‘Toma which was easier to pronounce and definitely more fitting for such a pretty young lady. Nevertheless, I used to ponder on the meaning of her name; it made me think of something my father used to say half in jest when we were younger and full of mischief. When anyone got into trouble and the others laughed or whenever we were careless with anything of value, he would shake his head, and say, “another man head na garawa”. The two phrases above mean more or less the same thing. The speaker of English would say it like this, “Who feels it knows it”. I am waxing philosophical today because I realize now that in some way, I have been rather insensitive without meaning to be.

I have had my share of pain and loss and had reached a point where I felt I could use a break. When I saw comments on Facebook newsfeeds about people who died, I would pause only briefly and then carry on. I didn’t want to dwell on death or anything like it, we were travelling on parallel roads and that was good enough for me. Until this week; I was in the printing press struggling to get some work done, the heat was pushing rivulets of sweat into my eyes and the noise was causing me to strain in order to hear my thoughts. As usual there was no public power supply and all the diesel generators were competing for the title of “noisest machine of the year”. I noticed by chance that my phone’s backlight was on and a number was blinking, I snatched it up without checking who it was and started screaming “hello, hello?” the noise in the ‘hood had almost rendered me deaf and I was reacting like one hard of hearing. Unlike me though, the person at the other end was calm and gentle and in a few seconds, the normalcy in her tone brought me back to my senses and I recognised who it was on the line. I tried to sputter some sort of explanation for my uncouth way of answering the phone but she went on with her pleasantries. This was a dear friend I didn’t hear from very often and I was a bit piqued that I wasn’t in a place where I could enjoy this call thoroughly. Pleasantries over, she dropped the bombshell, “ what did they say happened to Efere? I saw something on Facebook and was shocked, blab bla bla…“She didn’t bla, but my ears bla’d and my brain bla’d. “No it is not true o! Nothing like that happened, no it cannot be, I was chatting with Maero, a few days back bla bla bla…” I denied and denounced the possibility of it being true like a child caught stealing meat from the soup pot. I ended the call with very little idea of what I said to her and tried to log on to Facebook. The network was not in the mood, my phone was not in the mood and I definitely was not in the mood.

Finally, gradually, I went online and confirmed what I had dreaded and denied. Efere Ozako, fondly known as Zakilo was dead. I felt like an idiot. I was angry at the friends who were sending condolences and writing comments. I felt it was premature, way too soon for them to accept it just like that. I felt like we should wait a bit, debate the matter a little, fight it somehow. How does Efere die in the morning and you begin to write RIP, shortly after? It didn’t add up, I didn’t think Zakilo would accept to just “siddon look” or in this case, “lie down die”. It was out of character for bow- legged, tough Senior Efere. Hours passed and I couldn’t bring myself to accept it. I was too far away to cry with anyone and the phone was too impersonal for all the things I wanted to say. RIP was too lame and too tame and defeatist. I couldn’t think of a single prayer to pray or song to sing.

It’s been four days and my mind is full of thoughts of Maero and Makaino and all the other Ozakos that we know and love. I’m thinking of Efere’s wife and kids and what it must mean to lose such a dear one. I don’t want to think of Efere or write a poem or a dirge or a song as I often do, maybe another day, but not today. Today all I can do or want to do is think of Maero and her siblings and share in their agony from miles away. I’m thinking of their beautiful Mum and wondering at the heartrending pain she must be feeling. I’m wondering at the suddenness of this thing that took Efere away; and realizing that it takes people away all the time but because they are not my friends and family, I could continue scrolling when I saw the notices on their timelines. Now I stare at Maero’s wall and feel the squeeze she must be feeling. Indeed, orojitomayidiogba!

IDENTIFYING YOUR NETWORK

WE live in a world of networks. Facebook, Twitter, Myspace  you-tube  g mail  yahoo, the list is endless. But who is in your network? What is your network? Take FB for instance, you add someone as friend but how much of a friend is s/he? I have people in my FB list of friends who would walk past me on the streets and vice versa. A little over a year ago, I was at the Lagos airport waiting to catch a flight to Uyo and someone walked past me who was my “friend” on Facebook  I stopped this person and introduced myself and we chatted for about ten seconds and we parted. So much for my “friend”. 

You need to do “network” analysis and identify who is who and for what purpose. There’s your spiritual, social, family and business networks. Some people are in your life just to make you laugh; some are there to pray for you and watch over your spiritual welfare; some just want to peep and see if you are still breathing(LOL!). Some just love you in their hearts and silently wish you well. Some are there because, well, they are family and real life friends. Whatever the reason, analyse your network and don’t mistake one group for the other. I have friends in my online network that I will never see face-face, at least not on this side of Heaven (in fact, there are some I may not see on the other side of Heaven); then there are some that would gladly donate a body part if I needed one-thankfully I don’t so I don’t have to put their love to the test!

The whole point is to be careful, enjoy your networks and use them appropriately; banana and pepper-soup don’t go together even though both are good for you. Know what to share with each group, sometimes, people would move from one group to the other based on circumstances, enjoy it, and know who goes where. I met someone on FB sometime ago who is a relative of a friend, s/he advertised an event and I attended. The person was very pleased and now I have gained an offline friend from an online interaction  but I would not do that with everyone…to be continued

 

Selah!